Monthly Archives: February 1998

Self Evaluation

Deja vu.

I am in the office on a snowy Saturday. Looking out of my window at the flurries today – yesterday – tomorrow. There are others here, but I feel a comforting solitude in the snow. I have cowboy visions of wind tinged lips – the Marlborough woman with red bandanna – single tracks into the distance. The murmur of voices is a canvas for my thoughts. And I am in my “blue period.” Blue for reflection, not sadness. The blue of water – the reflection, my own. My old friend.

I have billed over 80 hours this week before I began work this morning. Early mornings and late nights. It was necessary in order to “catch up” – which I am always doing, but lately I had too many runners pass me by. Dead lines for finish lines.

I work very hard. I spend almost every single waking hour at my job. And I sometimes peek up and glance over the edge of the choices that I have made, and wonder if perhaps it wouldn’t be nicer “over there.” “Am I normal?” I ask myself. “Of course not.” I readily answer. “You never have been, nor have you ever wanted to be. Normality is the mirage that you cling to when you feel as though you have been in the desert too long. But you know that it is a mirage. False hope, and a poison pill.”

And so I march on to my internal beat, ignoring the tick-tick-tick of the world. And like most people, I dream on – inventing my life. Romanticizing my visions. And then, every once in a while, I transcend myself – to look below my reflection to the floor of the stream – and see what really lies beneath.

In the greater scheme of things, I move papers around. I conjure up clever arguments, and I recite clever incantations. I toil, and dream, and achieve – all to make some people more money. I may feel that I walk a tightrope, but there is a cosmic safety net of ultimate unimportance below me to break my fall.

There are brief moments when I begin to admire myself – but then I think about what it would be like to have my beeper go off, and to have to rush down the hall to try to save a child’s life. To pull people from a burning building. To do something, anything that really matters. And admiration turns to admonishment.

%d bloggers like this: